


(Hot Wheels created a Group Chat)

by ToSeeAMarchingBand



Series: Byler dump [4]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aliens, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And we're ok with that, Club Penguin - Freeform, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, I still don't know wtf is up with billy/steve, Just to clarify: the harringrove is a joke, M/M, Max is sick of your shit, People make fun of Mike because he absolutely deserves it, Richie Tozier and Mike Wheeler Are Cousins, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Road Trips, Steve is a Mom, Texting, Vines, ben platt mentions, chat fic, fun times, it doesn't have a plot, this exists outside linear time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-07-19 04:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToSeeAMarchingBand/pseuds/ToSeeAMarchingBand
Summary: Mom:oh hey Robin I didn’t realize you were in the chatHot Wheels:that’s because I didnt add her?Mom:well why notHot Wheels:I didnt know her phone numberHot Wheels:how the FUCK did she get in the chat? Nobody added her?Bye(rs) Bitch:aliensFury Road:shut the HELL up Will





	1. Aliens

**Author's Note:**

> Hot Wheels (later: Emo Loser)- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Sinbad- Lucas  
> The Hair (later: Mom)- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Rich Boy- Richie

**Hot Wheels:** I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today

**Fury Road:** I sure wasn’t

**Hot Wheels** : well shut up MAX

**Hot Wheels:** nobody asked you

**Fury Road:** you did though

**Hot Wheels:** it was a question directed at the people who weren’t there when I made the chat, MAX

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** why’d you make the chat, Mike

**Hot Wheels:** thank you for asking, William

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I regret asking

**Hot Wheels:** I thought we’d all like to have a way to chat and connect

**Hot Wheels:** and like. Spooky monster? Oh yeah I texted y’all about it now everyone knows

**The Hair:** did I just read, with my own two eyes, Mike Wheeler saying “y’all”?

**Hot Wheels:** excuse me there is no bullying in my group chat

**Another One Bites The:** also Steve

**Another One Bites The:** your name? Awful

_Another One Bites The changed The Hair’s name to Mom_

**Another One Bites The:** much better

**Mom:** listen brat

**Hot Wheels:** now I’m confused because I think it’s MY mom

**Billiam:** is Karen in the group chat?

**Mom:** bilLY NO

***

**Hotter Wheels:** why am I in the chat?

**Johnny Johnny:** to keep me company

**Johnny Johnny:** blease

**Johnny Johnny:** I’m begging you

**Mom:** you can’t leave us here

**Billiam:** Nancy please

***

**Hot Wheels:** I wish I was the government official who had to explain and demonstrate a naruto run

**Another One Bites The:** god I’m ready to see some aliens

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** the other day I thought it was Monday

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** but then when I didn’t have therapy, like I do, on Mondays

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I realized it was Tuesday

**Sinbad:** where is this going

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** shut up Lucas I’m getting there

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I realized later why we all skipped Monday

**Johnny Johnny:** I’m positive you just lost track of the days

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** the aliens don’t want us to raid Area 51

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** so they’re going to use their alien technology to make us all forget that it’s the day of the raid

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** we’ll only realize we missed it when it’s the next day

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** they were testing their device on this last Monday

_Fury Road removed Bye(rs) Bitch from the chat_

**Fury Road:** sorry Mike I just couldn’t stand here and listen to him theorize when he literally just slept through Monday

**Hot Wheels:** ok fair, why are you apologizing to me though

**Fury Road:** you’re his boyfriend, you’re the only one that would care

**Johnny Johnny:** hi excuse me Max

**Mom:** did you just remove my son from the chat

***

**Hot Wheels:** ha Nancy looks all gross and tired and it’s like NOON

**Hotter Wheels:** bold words from someone who until today has been waking up at 1 PM

**Hot Wheels:** I had to log on to club penguin today they’re having that event thing

**Another One Bites The:** SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

**Mom:** should I be worried about your online endeavors?

**Billiam:** I just remembered why his contact name is Mom

**Another One Bites The:** SHIT

**Sinbad:** What

**Another One Bites The:** I FORGOT MY CLUB PENGUIN PASSWORD

**Sinbad:** it’s fine Will has all of our passwords because he’s a mom friend in the making

**Mom:** excuse me I’m the only mom friend allowed here

**Hot Wheels:** WILL

**Hot Wheels:** WILLIAM

**Hot Wheels:** WILL BYERS

**Fury Road:** I removed him from the chat you fucking moron

_Fury Road added Bye(rs) Bitch to the chat_

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** aliens

**Fury Road:** I already regret this

**Hot Wheels:** Will what’s Dustin’s CP password

**Billiam:** the fact that you guys are so familiar with it that you’ve shortened it down to CP is horrifying to me

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** aliens

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** we had just finished marathoning X Files

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** and then Dustin wanted to play CP

**Mom:** stop fucking calling it that I’m BEGGING you

**Johnny Johnny:** that is no language for a mother

**Mom:** IM 20 YEARS OLD JONATHAN

***

**Sinbad:** I feel like we’re forgetting someone

**Hot Wheels:** Jane doesn’t have a phone

**Sinbad:** THATS WHO

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** Hopper didn’t want her to have one because it opens lines of communication to boys and he’s a protective dad

**Mom:** poor Jane

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** it’s boys like you he thinks he’s protecting her from

**Mom:** what do you mean? I am a taken man, I am 20 years old I do not THIRST after 16 year olds?

**Hot Wheels:** it’s because he’s scared you’ll take over as the male parental figure in her life

**Mom:** has Hopper never heard of the gays? “There can only be one male parental figure” that’s bullshit

**Mom:** also I’m a mom, get it right Hopper

**Batman:** you tell him Steve, he’s REELING right now from what you said about him on this stupid group chat

**Mom:** oh hey Robin I didn’t realize you were in the chat

**Hot Wheels:** that’s because I didnt add her?

**Mom:** well why not

**Hot Wheels:** I didnt know her phone number

**Hot Wheels:** how the FUCK did she get in the chat? Nobody added her?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** aliens

**Fury Road:** shut the HELL up Will

***

**Sinbad:** petition to refer to Mike exclusively as “emo loser”

**Sinbad:** all in favor say I

**Fury Road:** I

**Another One Bites The:** I

**Billiam:** I

**Batman:** I

**Hotter Wheels:** I

**Hot Wheels:** wow

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I

**Hot Wheels:** WOW

**Hot Wheels:** never in my life have I felt more betrayed than in this moment

**Hot Wheels:** in all of my days I have trusted that my best friend Will Byers would be by my side, but apparently I was WRONG

**Hot Wheels:** and now-

**Rich Boy:** shut it emo loser

_Rich Boy changed Hot Wheels’s name to Emo Loser_

**Emo Loser:** Richie how the FUCK did you get in this chat

**Rich Boy:** same way as Robin

**Batman:** nice

**Emo Loser:** that doenst tell me anything

**Hotter Wheels:** aw now my name doesn’t make sense

**Johnny Johnny:** you’ll always be the hottest in my book

**Emo Loser:** get out of here HETEROS

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** fuckin normies. LEAVE

**Mom:** REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

***

**Rich Boy:** ok but Emo Loser, my family’s coming down for Christmas this year

**Emo Loser:** why are you telling me

**Rich Boy:** well it was supposed to be a surprise, but I’m a menace and love to ruin surprises

**Emo Loser:** fucker

**Rich Boy:** also I don’t want to walk into your house and see you and Will swapping spit

**Rich Boy:** my virgin eyes do not need to see that

**Hotter Wheels:** Richie shut the hell up

**Rich Boy:** :O

**Rich Boy:** Nancy’s getting ANGERY

**Fury Road:** I’d remove him but I’m sure that wouldn’t stop him

**Rich Boy:** I’d just make another group chat because I’m not a COWARD

**Sinbad:** hey who the hell is this kid

**Another One Bites The:** yeah I didnt want to say it earlier but I literally have no idea who this guy is

**Rich Boy:** *gasps*

**Emo Loser:** hes my cousin

**Rich Boy:** how DARE you

**Rich Boy:** I am the single coolest person every, and you have the AUDACITY to not know me?

**Emo Loser:** name five people, not including family, who know you Richie

**Rich Boy:** ha sucks to be you I made friends this year

**Rich Boy:** ok so there’s Eddie

**Rich Boy:** ...

**Emo Loser:** I’m waiting

**Rich Boy:** hold on I’m trying to remember their names

***

**Mom:** was that another kid I have to adopt?

**Emo Loser:** blease do not im begging you

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** Steve you and your husband have like 9 kids

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I think that’s enough

**Mom:** 9? I thought it was only 6

**Another One Bites The:** he counted Nancy, Jonathan and Robin

**Mom:** yes they are my slightly older kids

**Mom:** well

**Mom:** I think that number’s going up to 10

**Rich Boy:** you thought wrong

**Rich Boy:** bye mike, see your loser face at Christmas

_Rich Boy left the chat_

**Fury Road:** good riddance


	2. Road Trips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spaghetti:** it’s odd to me that someone the same age as us is our “mom”
> 
> **Another One Bites The:** oh he’s not the same age as us
> 
> **Sinbad:** Steve’s like 20
> 
> **Spaghetti:** I wish you hadn’t told me that
> 
> **Fury Road:** so are Robin, Billy, Nancy, and Jonathan
> 
> **Spaghetti:** “there are pedophiles in the groupchat?” - Richie
> 
> **Mom:** ouch
> 
> **Hotter Wheels:** Richie acting like he didn’t know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emo Loser- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Sinbad- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Rich Boy (later: Beep Beep)- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Sinbad:** the other day I looked up whether or not Africa by Toto was a love song

**Emo Loser:** obviously it is

**Sinbad:** and google was essentially like “bitch no?”

**Mom:** google said that to you?

**Sinbad:** I mean legally they can’t cuss at me but

**Mom:** sounds like I need to have a stern talking to with Google’s parents

**Emo Loser:** im still shaken over the fact that google said Africa wasn’t a love song

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** that’s because it’s not?

**Emo Loser:** will what are you talking about that song is on our wedding playlist

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** yeah Mike because you’re a meme kid trying to say it’s a love song

**Another One Bites The:** it better not be the original, Mike

**Emo Loser:** don’t worry Dustin, it’s the otamatone cover

**Another One Bites The:** good man

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** remind me why I’m dating you

**Emo Loser:** ouch

***

_Emo Loser added Jane to the chat_

**Jane:** I got a phone!

**Fury Road:** FUCK YEAH

**Fury Road:** FINALLY ANOTHER WOMAN

**Hotter Wheels:** um

**Batman:** hi there Max

**Fury Road:** FINALLY ANOTHER WOMAN MY AGE

**Batman:** nice try

**Jane:** What is happening?

**Jane:** Who am I speaking to?

**Fury Road:** I’m Max

**Batman:** I’m Robin

**Jane:** ha ha I get it!

**Mom:** I’m Steve

**Emo Loser:** I’m Mike

**Jane:** why is your name Emo Loser?

**Sinbad:** because he’s an emo loser

**Sinbad:** I’m Lucas

**Another One Bites The:** Dustin

**Mom:** kid I JUST got your name

**Another One Bites The:** What

**Mom:** sue me I dont listen to old music

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’d hardly classify Queen as “old music”

**Emo Loser:** I mean it’s not NEW music by any means

**Sinbad:** that’s beside the point- Another One Bites The Dust is a CLASSIC

**Batman:** how can you be gay and not avidly listen to Queen, those go hand in hand

**Mom:** first off, stereotypes

**Mom:** secondly, I prefer gay pop

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** ?

**Mom:** Older by Ben Platt

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** ??? I’m going to listen to it but???

**Emo Loser:** what’s happening

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I am in love with this man now

**Emo Loser:** Will

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** Mike you haven’t heard his V I B R A T O

**Fury Road:** Hey PSA: if you pronounce it “vibrate-o” I’m blocking you and adding you to my hit list

**Jane:** How is it pronounced?

**Emo Loser:** vah-brah-toe

**Jane:** What IS it?

**Fury Road:** hggnnnn

**Fury Road:** how to explain it

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** it’s when you’re singing and your voice gets all shaky

**Emo Loser:** but intentionally shaky

**Hotter Wheels** : you stupid little shits that’s the worst definition of a vibrato I’ve ever heard

***

**Rich Boy:** can I add Eddie to the chat

**Emo Loser:** first off, how the hell are YOU in the chat

**Emo Loser:** you left like a week ago

**Fury Road:** I stg Will If you say aliens

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I wasnt going to say anything of the sort

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’m glad you’re thinking critically now though, and assuming it’s aliens

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** that’s the right way to go

**Emo Loser:** @richie SECOND OFF

**Emo Loser:** why are you asking permission? You wouldn’t normally ask for permission?

**Rich Boy:** Eddie said if I added him without permission he’d just leave the chat

**Jane:** who?

**Rich Boy:** whos THIS?

**Mom:** I don’t trust a word that comes out of this kid’s mouth

**Emo Loser:** Hey dickhead that’s my gay cousin

_Emo Loser added Spaghetti to the chat_

**Spaghetti:** did he ask first?

**Emo Loser:** full consent was given

**Sinbad:** by Mike. Who the hell are you?

**Spaghetti:** Eddie.

**Rich Boy:** EDDIE SPAGHETTI!

**Jane:** who?

***

**Jane:** I feel left out

**Mom:** why? What’s up?

**Billiam:** mom strikes again

**Jane:** everyone has cool funny nicknames and mine is just Jane

**Mom:** that’s just because we haven’t found the perfect name for you yet

**Mom:** don’t worry kid, soon you’ll have a name that fits your personality as well as Mike’s name fits him

**Emo Loser:** I resent that

**Emo Loser:** but speaking of names

**Emo Loser:** Richie your contact name seems pretty tame for you?

**Rich Boy:** oh really? Would you prefer

_Rich Boy changed their name to Suck My Cock_

**Spaghetti:** Jesus Christ

_Spaghetti changed Suck My Cock’s name to Beep Beep_

**Beep Beep:** that’s fair

**Another One Bites The:** suddenly I’m glad this stranger was added to our group chat

**Another One Bites The:** he controls the OTHER stranger that was added to our group chat

**Emo Loser:** excuse me that’s my cousin

**Sinbad:** yeah we get it

***

**Fury Road:** so I was at my grandpa’s house

**Fury Road:** and I was talking about how much I love barbecue sauce on things

**Fury Road:** like chicken

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** can you think of other examples

**Beep Beep:** her titties?

**Fury Road:** yes but shut up

**Fury Road:** so I’m telling him, and then my grandpa says, and I quote:

**Fury Road:** “What about when you’re licking it off your boyfriend’s lips”

**Emo Loser:** Hey what the fuck

**Fury Road:** so I said “GRANDPA”

**Beep Beep:** that’s HILARIOUS

**Spaghetti:** what did you say then, Fury Road?

**Fury Road:** it has just occurred to me that Eddie does not know anyone in this chat

**Spaghetti:** that’s not true

**Spaghetti:** I know Richie

**Beep Beep:** babe I don’t count

**Another One Bites The:** THIS IS A NEW DEVELOPMENT

**Sinbad:** it sure isn’t a surprising one, but it IS a development

**Beep Beep:** MICHALE you didn’t tell them about the love of my life?

**Emo Loser:** Rich they don’t even know what you look like, why would they care about your boyfriend

**Beep Beep:** I’ll send a selfie to the chat

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** how about you don’t, and say you did

**Mom:** internet safety Richie don’t go spreading your photos online

_Beep Beep sent a photo_

**Sinbad:** ha ha very funny

**Another One Bites The:** that’s just Mike with weird glasses

**Emo Loser:** why does everyone say that

**Spaghetti:** send the proof pic

**Jane:** proof pic?

**Emo Loser:** whenever someone knows both me AND Richie they never believe we’re two different people

**Emo Loser:** so we have bunch of pictures of us together

_Beep Beep sent a photo_

**Sinbad:** ok yeah this might’ve worked in 1984 but photoshop exists?

**Beep Beep:** you know what this means Michale

**Emo Loser:** What Richard

**Beep Beep:** I’m coming down from Maine!

**Spaghetti:** no you’re not

**Beep Beep:** already driving Eds, I’ll pick you up if you want to come

**Spaghetti:** texting while driving is illegal dipshit

**Beep Beep:** where do you live again Mike

**Spaghetti:** don’t tell him Mike

**Emo Loser:** I’m not telling you at all

**Another One Bites The:** Hawkins Indiana

**Emo Loser:** DUSTIN

**Another One Bites The:** I wanna see where this goes

**Spaghetti:** I wanna see this idea get shut down

**Beep Beep:** it’s spring break Eddie! Live a little

**Mom:** I’m on Spaghetti’s side of this, Richie

**Beep Beep:** What do you know STEVE

**Mom:** I HAVE 11 CHILDREN

***

**Spaghetti:** never go on road trips

**Spaghetti:** they suck

**Spaghetti:** and if you went on a road trip with an idiot like I unfortunately did, it sucks even more

**Another One Bites The:** I was sitting here waiting for Richie’s offended reply, but nothing came, and I was actually surprised

**Spaghetti:** I confiscated his phone so he can’t text and drive

**Emo Loser:** speaking of that

**Emo Loser:** Jane won’t be with us any longer

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** aw what happened

**Fury Road:** she discovered Snapchat and wouldn’t stop using the filters so Hopper took her phone

**Sinbad:** valid. Noah fence to Jane but I would have blocked her if she sent one more pic of her with dog ears

**Mom:** how long is it taken away for

**Emo Loser:** “until further notice”

**Mom:** that’s bullshit

**Batman:** Steve has a lot to say about Hopper’s parenting

**Mom:** have you seen my contact name Robin?

**Mom:** can you read?

**Spaghetti:** it’s odd to me that someone the same age as us is our “mom”

**Another One Bites The:** oh he’s not the same age as us

**Sinbad:** Steve’s like 20

**Spaghetti:** I wish you hadn’t told me that

**Fury Road:** so are Robin, Billy, Nancy, and Jonathan

**Spaghetti:** “there are pedophiles in the groupchat?” - Richie

**Mom:** ouch

**Hotter Wheels:** Richie acting like he didn’t know

***

**Beep Beep:** we won’t be there for a while

**Spaghetti:** YOU FUCKIG MORON

**Beep Beep:** ‘twas an accident dear

**Spaghetti:** I CANNOT FUCKING BLEIEV TOU YOU FUCING ASSHOLE

**Another One Bites The:** What did you DO

**Emo Loser:** better question: why are you texting at 2 AM

**Beep Beep:** no the queen fan was correct, the better question is “what did Eddie do”

**Spaghetti:** WHAT DID I DO? ME? YOURE THE ASSHOLE THAT MISSED HAWKINS

**Sinbad:** holy shit

**Beep Beep:** try again, but this time, say “Indiana” instead of “Hawkins”

_Spaghetti left the chat_

**Beep Beep:** we’re in Illinois. Land of Lincoln. Corn grows here and that’s the most notable thing about it

**Emo Loser:** hi Richie I just wanted to clarify

**Emo Loser:** you PASSED INDIANA

**Beep Beep:** I mean we’re closer to you guys than we were in Maine so

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** how did you fuck up that badly

**Beep Beep:** well I wasn’t looking and missed a sign

**Beep Beep:** And then when I saw the “welcome to Illinois” I thought we were getting close because NOBODY knows GEOGRAPHY

**Beep Beep:** so then Eddie looked at the GPS and the GPS was like “bitch you gotta U TURN RIGHT NOW”

**Emo Loser:** I’m going to bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this may come as a surprise to you, but I haven't seen IT. All of my knowledge stems from Stranger Things fanfiction that happens to have Richie and Eddie in it, so if you, an avid IT fan, reads this and goes "whoa this person characterized Eddie all wrong" please tell me how to fix it, and give me some tips if you'd like, thanks


	3. Scandinavian Swimmers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Hot Wheels:** hey what the fuck took you guys so long
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** well it would have been a shorter trip from Illinois had Eddie not insisted on seeing Chicago
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** you take me to Illinois, you pay the price
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** by that he means I paid to get into the Field Museum
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** I miss Sue already
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** her bones
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** so majestic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emo Loser (Later: Hot Wheels)- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Sinbad (later: Edgy Thot)- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Beep Beep- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Sinbad:** I am officially BORED of my name

 **Fury Road:** Lucas your name is fine? What?

 **Sinbad:** I mean my contact name

 **Sinbad:** it’s dull. A drag, if you will

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I will not

 **Sinbad:** so I need a new one

 **Emo Loser:** I have one

_Emo Loser changed Sinbad’s name to Edgy Loser_

**Edgy Loser:** I understand that payback is a bitch and stuff, but this is just too close to your name Mike

 **Emo Loser:** fine

_Emo Loser changed Edgy Loser’s name to Edgy Thot_

**Edgy Thot:** I’ll take it

 **Mom:** what the hell though

 **Emo Loser:** also my original name was iconic so

_Emo Loser changed their name to Hot Wheels_

**Hotter Wheels:** iconic?

 **Hot Wheels:** I mean Nancy you literally copied my name, you have to admit it IS cool

 **Hotter Wheels:** I just like it because it’s a play on “Wheeler”

 **Beep Beep:** Wait it is?

 **Beep Beep:** OH MAN I GET IT NOW

 **Hot Wheels:** you guys still on the road?

 **Beep Beep:** “in the middle of buttfuck nowhere Illinois, yeah” - Eddie

 **Beep Beep:** he’s driving now

 **Hot Wheels:** sensible

 **Edgy Thot:** ok guys hear me out

 **Edgy Thot:** we all want Jane here right?

 **Edgy Thot:** what if we BUY her a phone

 **Fury Road:** not to sound like Spaghetti here or anything

 **Fury Road:** But absolutely not

 **Fury Road:** that’s literally so stupid

 **Fury Road:** she HAS a phone, it just got taken away

 **Jane:** Max is right, it’s a dumb idea

 **Hot Wheels:** seriously Lucas do you know how much phones cost?

 **Another One Bites The:** depending on the phone, Lucas, we’d all have to accumulate up to like $700

 **Beep Beep:** I’d never consider myself the most observant of my group of friends

 **Jane:** why’s that

 **Beep Beep:** well I’m not observant

 **Beep Beep:** but here we are

 **Beep Beep:** The resident observant person here

 **Beep Beep:** may as well just call me Shawn Spencer

 **Jane:** I dont get it

 **Fury Road:** JANE!

***

 **Hot Wheels:** poll time

 **Hot Wheels:** Welches or Motts

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** fuck welches

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** the grape gummies are all chewy

 **Edgy Thot:** yeah but one time the sugar exterior melted together on my motts and I’ve been afraid since

 **Beep Beep:** hot take: gushers

 **Beep Beep:** If Eddie were here he’d say Spaghetti-O’s

 **Fury Road:** I don’t believe you for a second

_Beep Beep added Spaghetti to the chat_

**Spaghetti:** whatever Richie said, he was lying

 **Beep Beep:** I was talking about how much I love you bb

 **Spaghetti:** see I believed it up until you called me “bb”

 **Another One Bites The** : why the poll, Mike?

 **Hot Wheels:** well my mom said I could only get one of the fruit snacks

 **Edgy Thot:** that was it?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** babe what’d you get

 **Hot Wheels:** I got the ones shaped like Scoobert Doobert

 **Mom:** oh wack those are great

 **Hot Wheels:** I know right

 **Hotter Wheels:** are you fucking kidding me Mike those things are so gross

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** Conspiracy Theory: Nancy likes those weird bunny shaped gummies that are the only gummies in the health food section

 **Hotter Wheels:** so what if I do

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** OH MAN THAT WAS A JOKE BUT APPARENTLY NOT OP

 **Johnny Johnny:** Nancy’s too proud and confident in her life to be ashamed of eating the worst gummies on the market

 **Hotter Wheels:** demolished by my own husband

 **Hotter Wheels:** damn

 **Hotter Wheels:** guess Joyce WON’T be seeing Karen this Christmas

 **Hot Wheels:** Nancy: *forgets Will and I are dating*

 **Hotter Wheels:** Mike: *forgets that despite the fact that it’s the 21st century, our parents are still homophobes*

 **Hot Wheels:** ouch

 **Spaghetti:** you assholes made Richie want fruit snacks so he pulled over at some shithole gas station to buy gummies that are probably laced

 **Another One Bites The** : shit like that only happens in movies, the gummies are fine

 **Spaghetti:** no. I’m the one poisoning them.

 **Another One Bites The:** oh damn

_Beep Beep sent a photo_

**Hot Wheels:** RICHIE THOSE ARE FUCKING SWEDISH FISH

 **Beep Beep:** they’re gummies

 **Fury Road:** THE ENTIRE POINT OF FRUIT SNACKS IS THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE

 **Spaghetti:** they aren’t even Swedish Fish though

 **Spaghetti:** they’re the gas station taking the fish and repackaging and branding them as “Scandinavian Swimmers”

 **Edgy Thot:** I’m impressed guys we’ve managed to stay on the topic of fruit snacks for much longer than I thought

 **Another One Bites The:** I wouldnt call it impressive that the most stimulating conversation we’ve had as a group was about motts

 **Edgy Thot:** It was about Welches, fucker

***

 **Beep Beep:** MICHALE OPEN YOUR FRONT DOOR

 **Hot Wheels:** hey what the fuck took you guys so long

 **Beep Beep:** well it would have been a shorter trip from Illinois had Eddie not insisted on seeing Chicago

 **Spaghetti:** you take me to Illinois, you pay the price

 **Beep Beep:** by that he means I paid to get into the Field Museum

 **Spaghetti:** I miss Sue already

 **Spaghetti:** her bones

 **Spaghetti:** so majestic

 **Beep Beep:** Mike it’s cold outside

 **Hot Wheels:** it’s the middle of spring Rich

 **Hot Wheels:** also it’s noon

 **Bye(rs) Bitch** : it is the hottest point in the day

 **Beep Beep:** really says something about how cold it is in Indiana

 **Another One Bites The:** Indiana is closer to the equator than Maine

 **Spaghetti:** shut up and open the goddamned door Mike I want to SLEEP

 **Hot Wheels:** calm your tits Eds I’m coming

 **Beep Beep:** hey only I can call him that

 **Spaghetti:** you cannot call me that Richie

 **Mom:** Mike watch your language

 **Beep Beep:** you tell him mom

 **Mom:** it’s off-putting to have a child you’ve never met call you “mom”

 **Spaghetti:** it’s off-putting to have a man you’ve never met that’s four years older than you call himself your mom

 **Mom:** touché, spaghetti

***

 **Edgy Thot:** I still don’t believe it

 **Beep Beep:** you can’t photoshop real life, thot

 **Another One Bites The:** honestly though Lucas like we saw them in person and you’re still like “hmm he’s bullshitting us”

 **Fury Road:** how do you propose he’s doing that, Lucas

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** say aliens Lucas

 **Edgy Thot:** aliens

 **Fury Road:** fuck you Will

 **Hot Wheels:** I’ve got that covered

 **Hotter Wheels:** not where your older sister can see

 **Johnny Johnny:** or your boyfriend’s older brother

 **Mom:** or your mom

 **Billiam:** or your mom’s boyfriend

 **Fury Road:** or your mom’s boyfriend’s sister

 **Edgy Thot:** or your mom’s boyfriend’s sister’s boyfriend

 **Another One Bites The:** or your mom’s boyfriend’s sister’s boyfriend’s best friend

 **Beep Beep:** or your cousin

 **Spaghetti:** or your cousin’s boyfriend

 **Jane:** or your ex

 **Beep Beep:** THIS IS TEA

***

 **Beep Beep:** hate to break it to ya mike but we wouldn’t have come if we’d known Aunt Karen would act so weird about Eds and I sharing a bed

 **Spaghetti:** don’t call me that

 **Hot Wheels:** you knew my parents were homophobic though?

 **Beep Beep:** nuh uh

 **Hot Wheels:** *refers to the fruit snack convo earlier*

 **Beep Beep:** MicHaLE I was DRIVING

 **Beep Beep:** do you wish me dead, dear cousin?

 **Spaghetti:** I wish you would shut up and let me sleep

 **Another One Bites The** : mood

 **Hot Wheels:** it’s your guys’s faults for not PLANNING anything before a spontaneous journey to Indiana

 **Spaghetti:** Illinois, actually, I’m still salty about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have like 3 more chapters for this written but my sister has been at the computer every time i go to update this so sorry its been a while


	4. Minions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Mom:** I put you into this world and I can take you out
> 
> **Bye(rs) Bitch** : bet
> 
> **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I dare you to do it
> 
> **Bye(rs) Bitch:** please
> 
> **Hot Wheels:** babe
> 
> **Billiam:** Steve doesn’t have dandruff
> 
> **Beep Beep:** dad’s coming to the rescue
> 
> **Billiam:** I have dandruff
> 
> **Beep Beep:** I wish dad hadn’t come to the rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot Wheels- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Edgy Thot- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Beep Beep- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Hot Wheels:** duck tales

**Hot Wheels:** ooOOooh

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** fuck your ducks

**Hot Wheels:** no thanks

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’m watching the coolest goddamned show on the planet

**Fury Road:** Kitchen Nightmares?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** Mythbusters

**Fury Road:** oh that’s dope

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** it’s weird though

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** they’re being super vague and generic about this one experiment

**Hot Wheels:** do tell

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** well they’re saying “black powder” is rumored to be able to blow up a vacuum

**Hot Wheels:** What black powder tho?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** EXACTLY

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I could dye Steve’s dandruff black and it DEFINITELY wouldn’t have the explosive properties of whatever the fuck they’re using there

**Mom:** I put you into this world and I can take you out

**Bye(rs) Bitch** : bet

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I dare you to do it

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** please

**Hot Wheels:** babe

**Billiam:** Steve doesn’t have dandruff

**Beep Beep:** dad’s coming to the rescue

**Billiam:** I have dandruff

**Beep Beep:** I wish dad hadn’t come to the rescue

**Fury Road:** yeah I’m slightly unnerved

**Fury Road:** and it’s not just because someone’s calling my brother “dad”

**Beep Beep:** What about Steve

**Fury Road:** ?

**Beep Beep:** I bet Steve calls your brother daddy all the time

**Spaghetti:** BEEP BEEP Richie

**Beep Beep:** Alright Eddie Spaghetti

**Fury Road:** What just HAPPENED

**Spaghetti:** what

**Another One Bites The:** Beep beep?

**Spaghetti:** when I say beep beep it essentially means he should shut up

**Edgy Thot:** he talks enough to warrant a signal to shut up?

**Spaghetti:** I

**Spaghetti:** sorry i just had the most intense emotional whiplash over the fact that someone implied Richie ISN’T constantly talking

***

**Mom:** you kids want some free ice cream

**Spaghetti:** I cannot believe you guys had the audacity to say this guy isn’t a pedophile

**Mom:** spaghetti out here actually calling me out

**Another One Bites The:** he works at an ice cream shop with the platonic love of his life

**Batman:** I am NOT encouraging eight 13 year olds to come here and demand free ice cream

**Hot Wheels:** Robin choosing to ignore the part where Richie and Eddie literally drove here by themselves

**Beep Beep:** speaking of which

**Beep Beep:** how on EARTH did you convince your mom to let me steal you away for a week?

**Spaghetti:** bold of you to assume I asked her at all

**Beep Beep:** !?!

**Spaghetti:** I left a note then got in your car

**Beep Beep:** !!!

**Beep Beep:** hot

**Another One Bites The:** BEEP BEEP

**Another One Bites The:** wow I understand the value of this now

**Mom:** you kids better be here in the next 15 minutes before the lunch rush starts or no ice cream for you

**Hot Wheels:** oh fuck yes guys let’s GO

**Spaghetti:** Mike you’re driving us

**Hot Wheels:** cool but why

**Hot Wheels:** too cheap to pay for gas

**Beep Beep:** we don’t know where the mall is?

**Another One Bites The:** I never knew the definition of power couple until Ed and Rich walked into my life

**Spaghetti:** don’t call me that

**Beep Beep:** don’t call me that

**Edgy Thot:** what do you two prefer?

**Spaghetti:** you know the answer to this

**Beep Beep:** Eduardo and Richelangelo

**Fury Road:** I considered changing your guys’s names to that when I realized I don’t know why your nickname is spaghetti

**Spaghetti:** it isn’t _Spaghetti chaned their name to Eddie_

**Beep Beep:** oh come on babe

_Beep Beep changed Eddie’s name to Eddieo Spaghettio_

**Eddieo Spaghettio:** I surrender, Spaghetti was better

_Eddieo Spaghettio changed their name to Spaghetti_

**Fury Road:** so that happened

**Edgy Thot:** I cant decide whether or not I want to call it domestic

**Spaghetti:** domestic disturbance

**Hot Wheels:** ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE

**Hot Wheels:** I KNOW WHAT JANE’S CONTACT NAME SHOULD BE

_Hot Wheels changed Jane’s name to Bitchin’_

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** not gunna lie I was expecting it to be “dump your ass”

**Hot Wheels:** ouch babe

**Beep Beep:** wow that was harsh

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** ask me if I care

**Hot Wheels:** babe what’s wrong

**Hot Wheels:** you seem...

**Hot Wheels:**...

**Hot Wheels:**...moody

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I get to Scoops Ahoy ready to spend some good time with my boyfriend and enjoy some free ice cream

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** but no one was THERE

**Beep Beep:** listen William

**Beep Beep:** I am sitting in some weird ass themed ice cream store with some weird ass man offering me free ice cream and my weird ass cousin is freaking out and sad because your weird ass gps took you to the WRONG STORE?

**Spaghetti:** also aren’t shopping malls extinct?

**Hot Wheels:** i don’t know

**Hot Wheels:** starcourt isnt

**Spaghetti:** when we were driving through small Illinois towns we’d pass old shopping malls that were all CLOSED

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** ok cool but now I don’t know where the fuck I am

***

**Hot Wheels:** poll time

**Beep Beep:** I’ll give you Spaghetti’s answer

**Another One Bites The:** you guys are back on the road again?

**Beep Beep:** no he was angry and threw his phone down on our bed and it bounced off and shattered on the ground

**Another One Bites The:** hey Mike why are you doing another poll

**Hot Wheels:** I just wanna make sure I’m not crazy

**Hot Wheels:** live music: good or bad?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** it depends on the circumstances

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** maybe it’s a romantic night out on the town and you’re with your S.O and in the background there’s this nice acoustic music and it’s lovely- good live music

**Hot Wheels:** I am floored

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** when you’re sitting in a small bar and there’s live music directly behind you and you can’t have a conversation because you’d need to scream to hear anyone- BAD live music

**Bitchin’:** I like live music like Will said first

**Fury Road:** I literally hate live music in buildings unless it’s like- a huge ass concert

**Hot Wheels:** so what I’m gathering is live music is good from a distance

**Beep Beep:** “a long distance relationship” - Eds

**Beep Beep:** “so long distance that you’re not sure the relationship with live music will work out anymore because you’re just too far away and that spark is gone because you never see each other in person anymore” - Eds

**Beep Beep:** Is that his Tinder profile

**Billiam:** my tinder profile is just a link to a website dedicated to me and my big

**Fury Road:** ...

**Billiam:** heart

**Beep Beep:** “who the hell is this” - Eddie

**Mom:** don’t speak to your father in that tone

**Beep Beep:** “shut up mOM”

**Beep Beep:** Eds secretly prefers Steve over his own mom

**Beep Beep:** “oh it’s no secret”

**Beep Beep:** “adopt me Steve” - eds

***

**Bitchin’:** She Believed

**Bitchin’:** or

**Bitchin’:** S[he] Be[lie]ve[d]

**Beep Beep:** sbeve?

**Mom:** you rang?

**Edgy Thot:** Jane’s going to be a Facebook mom

**Bitchin’:** But Steve Mom is cool?

**Another One Bites The:** yeah because he’s NOT a Facebook mom

**Mom:** no offense kiddo but I dont go around posting Minion memes on my public online profile

**Hot Wheels:** I consider minions a blessing, frankly

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I don’t want to hear why, but you’re probably going to say anyway

**Hot Wheels:** well I used to hate them

**Hot Wheels:** and then I saw the Cats trailer

**Edgy Thot:** you just radically changed my entire world view

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’m not seeing a connection

**Edgy Thot:** imagine a live action Despicable Me with hyper realistic CGI animation for the minions

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I HATE you now

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** why’d you have to go and put that image in my head

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’m going to fucking vomit

**Beep Beep:** I was snickering at my phone and Eddie asked what was up so I showed him

**Beep Beep:** and then he smacked me and said I should have just said I saw a weird meme

**Another One Bites The:** when’s he getting a new phone

**Beep Beep:** “NEW PHONE? HA!” - Eddie

**Beep Beep:** we’re getting it fixed tomorrow

**Another One Bites The:** good I’m already sick of you relaying info

**Beep Beep:** ouch. You wound me 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im posting this now while my sister is out because its the first chance ive gotten in a few days to post so im posting everything ive got to tide yall over


	5. Serial Killers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Another One Bites The:** How was the drive back?
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** it was over twenty hours trapped in a car with Richie Tozier
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** you know how in Criminal Minds they look for the “stressor” in a criminal’s life that would cause them to start murdering?
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** that drive was my stressor
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** I have been absolutely decimated
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** by my own husband, no less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot Wheels- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Edgy Thot- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Beep Beep- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** my mom is ranting about the horrors of gluten free pizza

 **Hot Wheels:** mom is gluten free?

 **Mom:** no

 **Hot Wheels:** I mean my mom

 **Billiam:** Karen?

 **Hot Wheels:** no Will’s mom is essentially my mom at this point

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** aww

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** no

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** she’s not, she’s just angery about how there’s no gluten free pizza for gluten free people

 **Another One Bites The:** their fault for being gluten free

 **Edgy Thot:** no??? It’s not?¿?

 **Another One Bites The:** it is if they choose to be like my aunt did

 **Another One Bites The:** She says she feels “happier” or whatever

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** whatever floats her boat I guess

 **Another One Bites The:** But then she has the audacity to complain about not getting to have cookies

 **Another One Bites The:** like no, Aunt Frankie, you get to have cookies, you just chose not to

 **Fury Road:** I’m detecting a bit of salt

 **Another One Bites The:** whenever I go over to her house she feeds me the shitty gluten free pizza with cauliflower crust

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** oh that’s nasty

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** my mom is now making us sample all of the gf pizzas

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** by “us” I mean me and Hopper because Jonathan was sensible enough to be in college, and Jane is MIA

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** she’s probably at the arcade, who am I kidding

 **Hot Wheels:** OH WILL

 **Hot Wheels:** you still coming over tonight?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** duh

 **Mom:** awww what are my kiddos doin tonight?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** making out

 **Hot Wheels:** heavily

 **Mom:** alright I get it, forget I said anything

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** Mike what are we having for dinner

 **Hot Wheels:** my mom is making gluten free pizza

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** fuck off

***

 **Spaghetti:** and then I realized I already had the exact same skirt

 **Spaghetti:** IN THE EXACT SAME COLOR

 **Another One Bites The:** hey what

 **Beep Beep:** well in the Barbie show, their go-to joke is what you just read, but you only ever hear the punchline

 **Spaghetti:** Barbie will be walking into a room with her friends and be saying that

 **Spaghetti:** just the punchline

 **Edgy Thot:** and why were you watching Barbie, Life in the Dreamhouse?

 **Beep Beep:** I’ll do you one better Thot, how did you know it was called Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse?

 **Edgy Thot:** shit

 **Spaghetti:** we were spending time with Mike’s little sister and she wanted to watch Barbie

 **Fury Road:** I see

 **Beep Beep:** the only reason we were spending time with the best person in the Wheeler household is because Michale decided his cousin and his future cousin in law aren’t important enough for him

 **Another One Bites The:** aww “future cousin in law”

 **Beep Beep:** because once I marry Eddie’s mom,

 **Spaghetti:** beep beep fuckface

 **Another One Bites The:** that took an unexpected turn

 **Spaghetti:** people’s reactions to Richie when they only sorta know him will never get old

 **Fury Road:** What do you mean

 **Spaghetti:** I mean that response wasn’t at ALL unexpected, you guys just don’t know him well enough to predict it

 **Beep Beep:** you know who DOES know me well

 **Edgy Thot:** can I guess: his mom?

 **Spaghetti:** now you’re getting it!

 **Mom:** what’s Mike doing that has him too busy to hang out with you two?

 **Hotter Wheels:** Will

 **Johnny Johnny:** seriously nance?

 **Fury Road:** no it’s Will, 100%

 **Beep Beep:** can confirm

 **Spaghetti:** we walked in on them

 **Beep Beep:** I had to gently toss Holly out of the room

 **Spaghetti:** and as an apology we watched Barbie with her

 **Mom:** I see

 **Mom:** the stories are coming together

 **Hot Wheels:** wow you all sure made it seem like we were fucking

 **Mom:** were you not?

 **Spaghetti:** STILL not discourse I like to have with a 20 year old named mom

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** we were just talking

 **Spaghetti:** you were talking the same way Richie and my mom allegedly do

 **Beep Beep:** there’s no “allegedly” about it

***

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** man my hands smell like garlic

 **Edgy Thot:** awww now you can’t hang out with Mike

 **Hot Wheels:** stop fucking saying I’m a vampire Jesus Christ

 **Mom:** why do your hands smell like garlic

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** well Hop wanted me to help him figure out how to make homemade pickles

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** but the only thing I actually DID was peel the garlic

 **Hot Wheels:** for example: garlic bread? I love that shit

 **Another One Bites The:** yeah but that doesn’t mean anything mike. It means you’re a lactose intolerant vampire, you know?

 **Edgy Thot:** I seriously would find it hard to live an immortal life without garlic

 **Fury Road:** so do all the vampires

 **Another One Bites The:** and Mike

 **Hot Wheels:** someday the day will come where I DONT get harassed in my own groupchat

 **Hot Wheels:** today is not that day

***

 **Hotter Wheels:** MIKE IS AN IDIOT

 **Edgy Thot:** i mean, we’ve established this

 **Another One Bites The:** But I REALLY wanna know why Nancy is complaining about this

 **Hot Wheels:** it isn’t THAT bad

 **Hotter Wheels:** Mike accidentally came out to our mom

 **Fury Road:** YOU DUMBASS

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** how did she react?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’m genuinely a little worried

 **Hot Wheels:** well she was jokingly like “you suck Mike”

 **Hot Wheels:** and I was like “suck dick”

 **Fury Road** : Mike

 **Hot Wheels:** it’s a gut reaction

 **Hot Wheels:** and then after that my mom said “oh yeah with that Byers boy right?”

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** fucking what

 **Hot Wheels:** I KNOW

 **Hot Wheels:** so then I said “wait you know?”

 **Hot Wheels:** and my mom was like “fucking duh, Mike, you’re super obvious,”

 **Hot Wheels:** im paraphrasing here

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** sHe’s oK WiTH iT?

 **Edgy Thot:** I’m reeling

 **Another One Bites The:** I’m genuinely shaken

 **Beep Beep:** Wait but

 **Beep Beep:** when we were about to share a bed she got all weird about it?

 **Spaghetti:** honestly Richie it was probably because you were figuratively projectile vomiting

 **Another One Bites The:** What?

 **Spaghetti:** he was probably talking about sex when Karen walked down the stairs

 **Spaghetti:** imagine your nephew and his boyfriend coming over for the first time in months

 **Spaghetti:** and the first thing they talk about in your vicinity is having sex in your house

 **Spaghetti:** I’d react weird too

 **Hot Wheels:** so this is great

 **Hot Wheels:** its really nice to not have a homophobic mom

 **Mom:** I’m right here, Mike

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** yeah but you don’t count Steve, you’re gay

 **Mom:** touché

 **Spaghetti:** also you’re not our fucking mom. I’ve met you once. At an ice cream parlor.

 **Mom:** I get the gist spaghetti, you hate me, jesus

 **Mom:** babe come to my rescue

 **Billiam:** whoa I forgot this chat existed

 **Fury Road:** how? We literally text in it all the time

 **Billiam:** well I lost my phone for a solid week

***

 **Hot Wheels:** it kinda sucks that Richie and Eddie left

 **Beep Beep:** awww! Does my cousin MISS me?

 **Hot Wheels:** i miss the concept of you

 **Hot Wheels:** and how my mom was so much more chill with you two around

 **Spaghetti:** at first I was floored

 **Spaghetti:** I was like “wow mike misses us”

 **Spaghetti:** then I realized you only invited us over to mooch off our presence

 **Beep Beep:** for shame, Michale

 **Hot Wheels:** i didn’t think I’d need to remind you that I never invited you over. I was against your coming over

 **Beep Beep:** how the tables have turned

 **Another One Bites The:** How was the drive back?

 **Spaghetti:** it was over twenty hours trapped in a car with Richie Tozier

 **Spaghetti:** you know how in Criminal Minds they look for the “stressor” in a criminal’s life that would cause them to start murdering?

 **Spaghetti:** that drive was my stressor

 **Beep Beep:** I have been absolutely decimated

 **Beep Beep:** by my own husband, no less

 **Another One Bites The:** when Richie turns up dead, Eddie is the first person I’ll blame

 **Spaghetti:** I’d expect nothing else

 **Mom:** I don’t want to be tried as an accessory to a murder

 **Spaghetti:** bold of you to assume I’ll be mentioning you at all when I write a book about the famed Serial Killer “the Trashmouth killer”

 **Edgy Thot:** eddie out here actually planning his life in crime

 **Spaghetti:** they’ll never fucking catch me

 **Beep Beep:** well considering the fact that I’m going to be the most successful cop out there, and you just told us your plan, you’re already as good as dead

 **Spaghetti:** NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST

 **Spaghetti:** where do you think I’ll get the name “the Trashmouth killer”? Huh? Bitch?

 **Edgy Thot:** hi Eddie, are you saying one of Richie’s nicknames is TRASHMOUTH

 **Spaghetti:** yeah that’s exactly what I’m saying

 **Beep Beep:** you really know how to love and appreciate your wife, don’t you?

 **Spaghetti:** he said to the gay man

***

 **Edgy Thot:** theres nothing more refreshing than cracking open a cold one on a hot day

 **Mom:** my mother senses are tingling

 **Mom:** they smell...

 **Mom:** UNDERAGE DRINKING

 **Fury Road:** he’s talking about a can of La Croix

 **Edgy Thot:** i think you mean A Blessing in a Can

 **Hot Wheels:** i think you mean- spicy water that thinks it might be a fruit

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I almost agreed with Mike

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** but then he said “spicy water” to describe seltzer

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** and my soul left my body

 **Hotter Wheels:** well I’d describe club soda as spicy water

 **Hotter Wheels:** have you ever taken a sip of club soda thinking it was normal water?

 **Hotter Wheels:** that shits the WORST

 **Edgy Thot:** why were you going around with glasses of club soda

 **Hotter Wheels:** Mike thought he was funny once and poured club soda into my glass of water

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** ha. Sucker

 **Hot Wheels:** suck dick

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** Michale 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how is everyone doing? I got my laptop for school so expect a bunch more uploads, because i have nothing better to do than write fake chat fics. huh.
> 
> also i totally forgot about Jane, oops, my bad.


	6. Throwing Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spaghetti:** I also, because of Criminal Minds, became very paranoid
> 
>  **Another One Bites The:** I get the vibe from you that you were always paranoid, even before your CM binge
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** I mean yeah, duh, but because of Criminal Minds I firmly believe there’s an FBI agent watching me through my webcam, stuff like that
> 
>  **Hot Wheels:** and you don’t want the FBI to see you eating bread in the dark while playing Club Penguin?
> 
>  **Spaghetti:** exactly
> 
>  **Edgy Thot:** just put a sticker over your camera like I do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot Wheels- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Edgy Thot- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Beep Beep- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Hot Wheels:** they tried to put me on the cover of Vogue

 **Hot Wheels:** but my legs were toooooooooooooooo long

 **Edgy Thot:** legs legs

 **Another One Bites The:** what’s on the menu

 **Edgy Thot:** legs legs

 **Another One Bites The:** what’s on the menu

 **Edgy Thot:** legs legs

 **Another One Bites The:** what’s on the menu

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** *clap clap clap clap*

 **Hot Wheels:** legs

 **Jane:** I regret asking for a phone

 **Fury Road:** I regret being friends with these guys

 **Beep Beep:** I regret being Mike’s cousin

 **Spaghetti:** I regret being friends with Richie but that’s totally unrelated to whatever the fuck just happened up there

 **Beep Beep:** words hurt babe

 **Spaghetti:** cry me a table Linda

 **Billiam:** FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

 **Batman:** Eddie would destroy Richie in a fight

 **Hot Wheels:** Eddie is 3 feet tall

 **Spaghetti:** ok first of all, @mike rude, @batman thanks, @batman who the FUCK are you, @Billiam who the FUCK are you

 **Mom:** don’t talk to my husband and lesbian wife like that

 **Batman:** yeah. How rude.

 **Spaghetti:** asking clarifying questions gets you NOWHERE in this chat

 **Beep Beep:** I mean if you asked politely I’m sure you’d get your questions answered

 **Spaghetti:** that’s rich

 **Hot Wheels:** i know that’s Rich. He’s my cousin

 **Spaghetti:** you’ve mistaken me

 **Another One Bites The:** is Eddie just going to be left in a perpetual state of confusion in this chat?

 **Spaghetti:** id like to see how you’d fare in a chat with MY friends that you don’t know

 **Beep Beep:** I have an idea

 **Spaghetti:** this is not an invitation for you to add them to the losers chat

 **Mom:** I’m sorry, you call your friend group “the losers”

 **Beep Beep:** the losers club, to be specific

 **Mom:** that’s kind of awful?

 **Spaghetti:** at least we don’t go around naming our friend group after an over glorified board game

_Hot Wheels removed Spaghetti from the chat_

***

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’ll have a funny joke in mind but then forget it instantly

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** hey God, @ me next time instead of screwing me over behind my back

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** bitch

 **Hot Wheels:** “who’s that?” “Oh that’s my boyfriend, he fought God”

 **Edgy Thot:** “did he win?”

 **Hot Wheels:** “HELL no”

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** thanks for the vote of confidence babe

 **Hot Wheels:** i like to pride myself on my realism

 **Hot Wheels:** and realistically you’d never win in a fight against God

 **Another One Bites The:** who would

 **Edgy Thot:** Jane

 **Fury Road:** without a doubt

 **Hot Wheels:** if Jane and Will teamed up they’d fuse together, sucker punch God, and then eat a waffle

 **Fury Road:** you know who else would

 **Fury Road:** Bill Nye

 **Edgy Thot:** he’d set the world ablaze to demonstrate to God why climate change is bad

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** the world is already on fire

 **Hot Wheels:** “the planet it on fucking fire!” - Bill Nye, my hero

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** Bill Nye is the “nearly threw hands with a 13 year old” meme but instead it’s “nearly threw hands with the human population”

 **Fury Road:** he’d win all the fights

 **Jane:** would we want him to?

 **Another One Bites The:** why wouldn’t we?

 **Jane:** people we care about could get hurt

 **Edgy Thot:** like who

 **Jane:** John Mulaney

 **Hot Wheels:** one man should never have the power to fight the entire population

***

 **Edgy Thot:** ive never been the person to bake or cook or anything like that

 **Edgy Thot:** but after 2 solid hours of watching people make cool desserts on Pinterest

 **Edgy Thot:** ive convinced myself I can make a 7 layer cake with macarons on top

 **Fury Road:** I feel the same exact way after watching the Great British Baking Show

 **Fury Road:** the most I’ve baked is a cookie but I was yelling at the tv because the CAKE WOULD BE TOO DRY

 **Beep Beep:** the same shit happened to Eddie

 **Beep Beep:** but it was after he binge watched all of Criminal Minds

 **Fury Road:** all of it?

 **Beep Beep:** all 14 seasons

 **Beep Beep:** he successfully profiled all of our friends

 **Beep Beep:** he ruined his own surprise birthday party because he profiled us and figured out what we were doing

 **Fury Road:** I would say that’s ridiculous, but Paul and Mary Berry know it’s not

_Beep Beep added Spaghetti to the chat_

**Spaghetti:** I also, because of Criminal Minds, became very paranoid

 **Another One Bites The:** I get the vibe from you that you were always paranoid, even before your CM binge

 **Spaghetti:** I mean yeah, duh, but because of Criminal Minds I firmly believe there’s an FBI agent watching me through my webcam, stuff like that

 **Hot Wheels:** and you don’t want the FBI to see you eating bread in the dark while playing Club Penguin?

 **Spaghetti:** exactly

 **Edgy Thot:** just put a sticker over your camera like I do

***

 **Hot Wheels:** ok guys

 **Hot Wheels:** who would look hotter in drag- me or Will?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** obviously me

 **Fury Road:** I think Will. He’s got that petit frame, you know?

 **Edgy Thot:** yeah but Mike has his long ass limbs going for him

 **Another One Bites The:** Will is cool and confident enough to walk down the street with a face full of makeup and 6 inch heels

 **Hot Wheels:** are you saying I’m not cool?

 **Another One Bites The:** That’s exactly what I’m saying

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** Dustin!

 **Hot Wheels:** thank you Will, coming to my rescue

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** thanks Dustin that’s nice of you to say

 **Hot Wheels:** ouch

 **Fury Road:** Lucas has done drag before

 **Edgy Thot:** Max I told you that in CONFIDENCE

 **Hot Wheels:** Max tell me EVERYTHING

 **Another One Bites The:** if I’m remembering correctly- it was a dare

 **Edgy Thot:** Dustin you can’t act like you weren’t the one that dared me to do it

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** fucking snap

 **Jane:** I remember you used my wig

 **Hot Wheels:** oh my god this just keeps getting better

 **Edgy Thot:** you know what! No. We’re changing the topic

 **Edgy Thot:** Mike, why did you ask who’d look better in drag?

 **Hot Wheels:** oh we were just arguing about it because Will had the audacity to think ID look good in drag

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** yeah that’s because you’d look good in anything

 **Hot Wheels:** shut up Will, you beautiful bastard

 **Fury Road:** it’s genuinely heartwarming to see this nice couple like WOW!

***

 **Another One Bites The:** I just watched A Quiet Place

 **Edgy Thot:** Big Tuna was legendary in it

 **Hot Wheels:** the entire time I thought the background music was the Minecraft music and it was weird

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** A Quiet Place and No Country For Old Men are both on opposite ends of the same spectrum

 **Jane:** No Country For Old Men?

 **Hot Wheels:** its a movie about a serial killer but it’s always REALLY tense because there’s no music in the background

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** which is the polar opposite of Jim’s movie, where the only spoken words in A Quiet Place is screaming

 **Beep Beep:** i wouldn’t classify a Quiet Place as a horror movie

 **Another One Bites The:** What are you TALKING about

 **Beep Beep:** I’ve seen scarier shit

 **Beep Beep:** id say it’s an “emotional thriller”

 **Hot Wheels:** emotional because of when Big Tuna sacrifices himself for his kids

 **Spaghetti:** spoiler alert

 **Beep Beep:** are you trying to imply that you haven’t seen A Quiet Place?

 **Spaghetti:** no I’m just looking out for the people that haven’t seen it

 **Spaghetti:** like Mom. I bet he’s too much of a coward to have seen it

 **Mom:** FIRST of all

***

 **Edgy Thot:** sometimes I forget how much high school sucks

 **Edgy Thot:** then I have to drive Mike to school and I’m like “oh yeah I have to spend my day with THIS loser again”

 **Hot Wheels:** ouch

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** HA he demolished you

 **Hot Wheels:** oUCH

 **Jane:** SHHH

 **Hot Wheels:** ?

 **Jane:** SHHHHHUT UP

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** what’s up with her?

 **Fury Road:** she didn’t get enough sleep

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I never sleep, doesn’t seem to bother ME

 **Hot Wheels:** babe

 **Fury Road:** yeah you’re an insomniac Will, but to someone who gets a daily 9 hours, only sleeping for 45 minutes is detrimental

 **Another One Bites The:** y’all ever seen Grease?

 **Edgy Thot:** duh

 **Fury Road:** what a random subject change

 **Hot Wheels:** who HASNT seen Grease

 **Another One Bites The:** idk but

 **Another One Bites The:** whenever I listen to Summer Lovin’ I’m convinced it’s the beginning of that One Direction song

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I know which one you’re talking about

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** but I don’t know what it’s called

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** because the only version of that song I listen to is the “ha ha ha” cover where all the lyrics are “ha ha ha”

 **Fury Road:** what the fuck

 **Another One Bites The:** I know exactly what you’re talking about

 **Edgy Thot:** are you guys talking about You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful?

 **Hot Wheels:** *suspicious glare*

 **Edgy Thot:** little sister

 **Hot Wheels:** *nod of understanding*

 **Another One Bites The:** YES

 **Another One Bites The:** whenever I hear that Grease song I wanna sing You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** you...

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** know the lyrics!!.?

 **Another One Bites The:** shut up Will

 **Another One Bites The:** not everyone can be as cool as you

 **Hot Wheels:** aww he is the coolest isn’t he

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** no YOURE the coolest

 **Edgy Thot:** ewww

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i finally fucking watched It and I LOVED it, holy shit, 10/10, I'd die for Georgie
> 
> Send me prompts and requests to my Tumblr @llama-raptor-russian-bean


	7. Careers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Hot Wheels:** oddly specific advice I’ll be sure to heed
> 
> **Hot Wheels:** heeded
> 
> **Hot Wheels:** heeded of
> 
> **Bye(rs) Bitch:** headed of
> 
> **Hot Wheels:** I can see myself-
> 
> **Bye(rs) Bitch:** take heed of
> 
> **Hot Wheels:** I can see myself taking heed of this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot Wheels- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Edgy Thot- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Beep Beep- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Hot Wheels:** guys why has it been so long since we’ve texted in this chat

**Edgy Thot:** I mean we ARE high schoolers

**Another One Bites The:** homework, you know

**Jane:** can’t relate

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I didn’t come here just to get flexed on by the homeschooled kid

**Mom:** be nice Jane

**Jane:** suck my assssssssss

**Mom:** I am disgusted, I am revolted

**Jane:** I’m sorry about that

**Jane:** Max took my phone and texted all of you with it

**Spaghetti:** wow it’s crazy that shit like that happens and how annoying it is when people do that

**Beep Beep:** does he seem particularly passive aggressive to anyone else or is it just me?

**Spaghetti:** gee I wonder why I could be acting like this

**Edgy Thot:** backstory?

**Beep Beep:** I took his phone and sexted his piano teacher

**Another One Bites The:** there’s so much to unpack there

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** Eddie you play piano?

**Fury Road:** better observation: Eddie you have your piano teacher’s NUMBER

**Spaghetti:** how else would she remind her students of their upcoming lessons all at the same time in a new groupchat every week?

**Hot Wheels:** Richie you were mistaken

**Hot Wheels:** it seems that Eddie is just ALWAYS passive aggressive

**Beep Beep:** he’s 4’9 of solid moxie

**Spaghetti:** fuck you

**Edgy Thot:** whoa he’s 4’9?

**Fury Road:** you’ve seen him in person dumbass

**Fury Road:** you KNOW he’s not a midget

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** WHOA

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** watch your language

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** keep up that midget talk and next thing you know Mike will be going around saying the N word

**Hot Wheels:** [John Mulaney voice] first of all,

**Hot Wheels:** no.

**Beep Beep:** obviously I lied about his height

**Beep Beep:** he’s 5’9

**Spaghetti:** see this is almost nice

**Spaghetti:** until you remember 5 foot 9 is 69 inches

**Another One Bites The:** now that this has happened, I totally get that he sexted your piano teacher

**Beep Beep:** lady’s a total cougar

***

**Hot Wheels:** so I auditioned for the school play

**Fury Road:** how’d it go?

**Hot Wheels:** I mean I got called back

**Edgy Thot:** nice

**Hot Wheels:** but EVERYONE got called back so it’s not an accomplishment

**Mom:** I’m sure you did great

**Hot Wheels:** I’m sure I did too

**Hot Wheels:** but great doesn’t cut it in theatre

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** jesus Christ babe you’re so emo

**Hot Wheels:** thanks love you too

**Jane:** do you think you’ll get a part

**Hot Wheels:** I’ve already resigned myself to crew

**Hot Wheels:** I’ve never actually done crew before, this should be fun

**Mom:** what does crew entail

**Hot Wheels:** oh you know, set building, backstage work, moping around while thinking about the part you wanted while the cast gets to ACT

**Another One Bites The:** you need a nap

**Hot Wheels:** no? what?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** he’s right. Take a nap

**Hot Wheels:** I’m not going to take a fuckin nap

**Mom:** it’s nap time. Go to sleep

**Hot Wheels:** stahp

**Edgy Thot:** it’s bed o’clock

***

**Edgy Thot:** so last night, it was about 11:30

**Edgy Thot:** my little sister called me to come to her room

**Edgy Thot:** she was having a sleepover with one of her friends

**Edgy Thot:** and they were watching The Conjuring

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** HA

**Edgy Thot:** she looks me right in the eyes and says “tell us how it ends”

**Mom:** those kids should NOT have been watching that movie

**Mom:** theyre far too young

**Mom:** also it was 11:30, they should have been ALSEEP

**Edgy Thot:** I’m well aware Steve

**Edgy Thot:** anyway now they’re making muffins and a pizza

**Hot Wheels:** yum

**Fury Road:** wait what

**Edgy Thot:** yeah we’re all still in the same time zone, my sister is making a pizza at 9 AM

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I will be personally offended if you don’t eat some of that pizza

**Edgy Thot:** you’ve got nothing to worry about, believe me

**Edgy Thot:** I’m going to eat that fucking pizza

**Mom:** whoa watch your language

**Batman:** shut up sbeve

**Hot Wheels:** I’m baffled that your parents trusted your sister and her friend to make a pizza without burning down your house

**Edgy Thot:** bold of you to presume they asked my parents at all before doing this

**Edgy Thot:** UPDATE: they ate ALL the pizza

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** bull

**Hot Wheels:** that’s relatable but at the same time, I hate them for you

**Edgy Thot:** thanks, I’ll tell them you said so

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I don’t think they ate all the pizza

**Fury Road:** then what do you think DID happen

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I think…

**Fury Road:** no.

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** it was aliens

**Fury Road:** we went so damn long

**Fury Road:** without you mentioning aliens

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I just found out that they cancelled the Area 51 raid

**Another One Bites The:** they wHAT

***

**Beep Beep:** y’all ever wonder what your future careers will be

**Fury Road:** obviously. Pressure has been building on us to make a decision on what we want to do with our lives since the beginning of Freshman year

**Batman:** I fear that I’m going to be stuck serving ice cream for the rest of my life

**Beep Beep:** I’d like to think that I’d be a comedian

**Spaghetti:** to do that you’d have to be funny

**Hot Wheels:** you’d be John Mulaney, but when they were making you they REMEMBERED to flip the switch and make you bi

**Beep Beep:** hear that Eds? Mike says I’m gonna be John Mulaney

**Spaghetti:** sure you will

**Beep Beep:** and what do you think YOU’RE going to do with your life?

**Beep Beep:** probably something boring

**Beep Beep:** like a risk analyst or something

**Spaghetti:** how do you even know what that is

**Beep Beep:** I can already hear myself snoring at the prospect of you doing that

**Spaghetti:** shut up asshole

**Beep Beep:** zzzzzzzzzz

**Hot Wheels:** I’ve always liked the idea of becoming an author

**Spaghetti:** just make sure you know how to write an ending

**Beep Beep:** and don’t go around writing any teenage orgies

**Hot Wheels:** oddly specific advice I’ll be sure to heed

**Hot Wheels:** heeded

**Hot Wheels:** heeded of

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** headed of

**Hot Wheels:** I can see myself-

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** take heed of

**Hot Wheels:** I can see myself taking heed of this

**Jane:** I’m aware that’s a reference

**Jane:** But I do not know what it is a reference TO

***

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** sure, depression sucks ass

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** but at this point I’ve gotten used to it

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** what I CANNOT get used to, is people who only knew me from my like, /seriously depressed/ stage, seeing me now

**Another One Bites The:** care to elaborate?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I was called “bubbly and happy” today by someone I knew in middle school, when I laughed at a joke

**Hot Wheels:** oof. Can’t relate

**Hot Wheels:** it’s against my religion to laugh at jokes

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I mean, anything beats the beginning stages of my depression and my mom’s “are you ok sweetie” voice

**Spaghetti:** that’s my mom’s voice all the time

**Spaghetti:** I could sneeze and suddenly I’m dying, you know

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** who knew the person I could relate to most in this hellchat was a guy named Spaghetti

**Spaghetti:** ignoring that

**Spaghetti:** one time I coughed, and I looked over and my mom was writing my last will and testament

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** I scraped my knee once and I shit you not, I heard my mom on the phone talking to my stepdad about how she was worried my leg would have to be amputated

**Spaghetti:** virtual high five

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** virtual high five

**Beep Beep:** speaking of Eddie Spaghetti’s mom

**Spaghetti:** no

_Spaghetti removed Beep Beep from the chat_

**Spaghetti** : he’s on a ten minute time out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I saw It Chapter 2 and wow!  
> YIKES!  
> tears!
> 
> anyway smash that like and subscribe button


	8. Local Pedos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Hot Wheels:** Will is trying to convince me that we have to stop and get some seafood while we’re on the coast
> 
>  **Fury Road:** what do you mean “trying to convince me”
> 
>  **Fury Road:** why haven’t you AGREED yet
> 
>  **Hot Wheels:** because we’re not near the actual ocean yet
> 
>  **Hot Wheels:** he saw a fucking Red Lobster and said it was authentic
> 
>  **Hot Wheels:** “lobsters ARE red” - my dumbass boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot Wheels- Mike  
> Fury Road- Max  
> Bye(rs) Bitch- Will  
> Another One Bites The- Dustin  
> Edgy Thot- Lucas  
> Mom- Steve  
> Billiam- Billy  
> Hotter Wheels- Nancy  
> Johnny Johnny- Jonathan  
> Batman- Robin  
> Jane- you can figure this out yourself  
> Beep Beep- Richie  
> Spaghetti- Eddie

**Hot Wheels:** we’re not in Hawkins anymore

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** *spooky noises*

 **Edgy Thot:** ???

 **Fury Road:** would you care to elaborate?

 **Hot Wheels:** Will and I are pulling a Reddie

 **Mom:** no. Absolutely not.

 **Another One Bites The:** a Reddie?

 **Hot Wheels:** a Richie and Eddie

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** Mike and I spontaneously decided to drive to Maine

 **Beep Beep:** oh THIS should be fun

 **Spaghetti:** turn back while you still fucking can

 **Hot Wheels:** wow we were NOT this hostile towards you guys when you came to visit

 **Beep Beep:** there’s shit in Derry that you guys don’t wanna have to deal with

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** who said we were coming to Derry?

 **Hot Wheels:** (Michael Scott voice) boom roasted

 **Hot Wheels:** no but we are coming to Derry

 **Edgy Thot:** whats so bad about it?

 **Another One Bites The** : it’s not like we HAVEN’T faced and defeated an inter dimensional demon

 **Beep Beep:** :O

 **Spaghetti:** wait you guys met Penny Wide too?

 **Hot Wheels:** whom

 **Beep Beep:** inter dimensional shapeshifting demon clown that eats kids and turns into your worst nightmares?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** doesn’t ring a bell

 **Another One Bites The:** wait which one of you is driving?

 **Edgy Thot:** 3

 **Edgy Thot:** 2

 **Edgy Thot:** 1

 **Mom:** WAIT A MINUTE

 **Mom:** I smell ILLEGALITIES

 **Hot Wheels:** chill we’re in a Steak and Shake drive though

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I wanted a milkshake

 **Hot Wheels:** slurp slurp dumbass

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** what flavor should I get

 **Beep Beep:** my ass

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** you seem to have mistaken me for Eddie

 **Beep Beep:** you seem to have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit about the flavor of milkshake you get

 **Fury Road:** get strawberry

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I don’t take shitty suggestions, sorry

 **Jane:** Oreo

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** anything for you Jane

 **Hot Wheels:** i told you to get that earlier

 **Hot Wheels:** and you said “fuck you”

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** sorry you’re a BORE-EO babe

 **Edgy Thot:** (Michael Scott voice) boom roasted

***

 **Edgy Thot:** you know that one guy that writes about orgies?

 **Hot Wheels:** stephen king?

 **Edgy Thot:** THATS THE BITCH

 **Edgy Thot:** what was that one book called where the author gets trapped by a stan and shit?

 **Fury Road:...** Misery?

 **Edgy Thot** : YES

 **Edgy Thot:** I feel like that author right now

 **Another One Bites The:** what’s up man?

 **Another One Bites The:** is someone bullying you on Club Penguin again

 **Edgy Thot:** no, I’m just fever ridden

 **Spaghetti:** what’s your temperature?

 **Edgy Thot:** ... 100.3

 **Beep Beep:** Doctor Kaspbrak in the HOUSE

 **Spaghetti:** drink lots of water and make sure to get vitamin C. Take nasal decongestants and Tylenol every 6 or so hours.

 **Spaghetti:** alternate between Tylenol and Ibuprofen when the pain gets intense

 **Spaghetti:** keep a bucket by your bed in case you vomit, and drink some cough syrup if you have a cough

 **Another One Bites The:** Mom?

 **Spaghetti:** the fever should break by tonight or tomorrow, but get plenty of rest, and make SURE to take the day off of school for the next two days

 **Edgy Thot:** ok MOM

 **Mom:** I am in awe

 **Mom:** I may just have to pass on my title to Spaghetti

 **Spaghetti:** fuck you

***

 **Hot Wheels:** Will is trying to convince me that we have to stop and get some seafood while we’re on the coast

 **Fury Road:** what do you mean “trying to convince me”

 **Fury Road:** why haven’t you AGREED yet

 **Hot Wheels:** because we’re not near the actual ocean yet

 **Hot Wheels:** he saw a fucking Red Lobster and said it was authentic

 **Hot Wheels:** “lobsters ARE red” - my dumbass boyfriend

 **Edgy Thot:** any food suggestions, Richie or Eddie?

 **Beep Beep:** we don’t really get seafood a lot

 **Spaghetti:** I’m allergic

 **Spaghetti:** also the only (non-diner) restaurant in our VERY small town is owned by one of the many local pedophiles so

 **Beep Beep:** get food on your way in

 **Hot Wheels:** “remind me why I’m wasting my vacation days on this again” - Will who does NOT have a job

 **Mom:** hey so we’re just glossing over the “many local pedos” thing?

 **Beep Beep:** I mean, him being scum of the earth kind of eases our minds when we steal from him

 **Spaghetti:** kind of a Robin Hood mentality

***

 **Another One Bites The:** so I was sitting there, it was my birthday, it was nice

 **Jane:** it’s not your birthday?

 **Another One Bites The:** and someone said “happy birthday”

 **Fury Road:** except it’s not your birthday?

 **Another One Bites The:** this was a while ago, chill

 **Another One Bites The:** so they said “happy birthday” and I said

 **Another One Bites The:** “thanks you too”

_Bye(rs) Bitch has left the chat_

_Mom has added Bye(rs) Bitch to the chat_

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** sorry that was just too painful

 **Edgy Thot:** ill do you one better

 **Edgy Thot:** one time I sneezed

 **Mom:** I can see where this is going

 **Edgy Thot:** and someone said “bless you” and I said

 **Mom:** can I guess: “you too”?

 **Edgy Thot:** no I said “oil me up daddy, it’s dinner time and I’m a little soup boy, chompa chompa”

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I’m about to fucking cry

 **Hot Wheels:** [photo of Will literally in tears]

 **Mom:** WHO’S DRIVING THE FUCKING CAR

 **Bye(rs) Bitch** : no comment

 **Spaghetti:** wow, rich and I were NOT this irresponsible

 **Beep Beep:** it’s almost as if there was someone in the car who knew every possible way of dying on the road ever, and thus vigilance was key...

 **Spaghetti:** what are you implying Chee

 **Beep Beep:** love you eds

 **Jane:** Lucas why were you asking your dad to oil you up

 **Jane:** what’s a soup boy

***

 **Fury Road:** who else here hates the new Addams Family remake

 **Edgy Thot:** aww babe, I do!

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** I know the movie is all about horrifying, but the animation style is the type of icky that’s ACTUALLY revolting

 **Spaghetti:** I just recently rewatched the old Addams Family movies

 **Spaghetti:** Morticia and Gomez would get off on their own suffering

 **Spaghetti:** not something I’d recommend watching with your mother

 **Spaghetti:** beep beep Richie

 **Beep Beep:** ???

 **Spaghetti:** don’t even attempt a joke

 **Beep Beep:** ?¿?

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** EDDIE, RICHIE, we made it

 **Hot Wheels:** we are IN DERRY MAINE

 **Beep Beep:** may God have mercy on your souls

 **Spaghetti:** rip in peace

 **Beep Beep:** I’ve got an idea eds

 **Spaghetti:** i don’t like that one bit

 **Beep Beep:** i didn’t even tell you what it WAS

 **Spaghetti:** *long sigh*

 **Spaghetti:** fine

 **Spaghetti:** what is it  
  
**_(Beep Beep created a group chat)_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soz its been so long since ive posted, i quite literally forgot about it once the workload of a new school really set in


	9. Christmas Music Genres

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Beep Beep:** on a totally unrelated note, Christmas season is upon us
> 
>  **Bird Father:** And?
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** guess what my favorite christmas music genre is
> 
>  **Literal Angel:** rock and roll
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** no
> 
>  **Squilliam:** hyper religious
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** no
> 
>  **Squilliam:** you know, the one about the boy wanting to buy shoes for his dying mother?
> 
>  **Beep Beep:** what the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beep Beep: Richie  
> Spaghetti: Eddie  
> Bye(rs) Bitch: Will  
> Hot Wheels: Mike (W)  
> Squilliam: Bill  
> Bird Father: Stan  
> Minecraft Expert: Ben  
> Fire Head: Bev  
> Literal Angel: Mike (H)

_Beep Beep created a group chat_

**Beep Beep:** i bet you’re wondering why i’ve gathered you all here today

 **Hot Wheels:** wow dejavu

 **Squilliam:** yeah rich who are these people

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** who are YOU

 **Hot Wheels:** babe can’t you read

 **Hot Wheels:** thats Squilliam Fancyson, arch rival of Squidward Tentacles, multimillionaire and yacht enthusiast

 **Squilliam:** my name is Bill

 **Bird Father:** What about you two?

 **Beep Beep:** that’s my cousin and his boyfriend

 **Hot Wheels:** i can speak for myself

 **Hot Wheels:** im his cousin

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** i’m his cousin’s boyfriend

 **Spaghetti:** rich WHY

 **Bird Father:** Yeah Rich. Why?

 **Beep Beep:** theyre visiting Derry

 **Fire Head:** bad fucking idea guys

 **Bird Father:** That’s an all around terrible decision.

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** wait a minute!

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** who ARE you?

 **Beep Beep:** ROLL CALL

 **Beep Beep:** im richie

 **Hot Wheels:** shut the fuck up rich

 **Fire Head:** i’m bev

 **Bird Father:** Stan

 **Squilliam:** i’m Bill

 **Hot Wheels:** sure Squilliam

 **Hot Wheels:** whatever you say

 **Minecraft Expert:** i’m Ben! nice to meet you guys

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** what a cutie wow

 **Fire Head:** i know right

 **Fire Head:** he’s my boyfriend

 **Hot Wheels:** what a catch

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** absolute steal

 **Literal Angel:** i’m mike

 **Hot Wheels:** no IM mike

 **Literal Angel:** hate to break it to you but

 **Hot Wheels:** i WILL fight you for this title

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** fuckin knock him dead babe

 **Beep Beep:** and that’s everyone

 **Bird Father:** What about Eddie

 **Spaghetti:** *long sigh*

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** oh we’re very familiar with eddie here

 **Hot Wheels:** ;)

 **Fire Head:** did

 **Fire Head:** did you three fuck?

 **Beep Beep:** BEVERLY!

 **Beep Beep:** why would you assume a threesome happened?

 **Fire Head:** i mean to be fair, mike sent a winky face emoji

 **Beep Beep:** OBVIOUSLY it was a foursome

 **Bird Father:** No. Fuck you. You’re a human piece of trash.

 **Beep Beep:** they don’t call me trashmouth for nothin

 **Squilliam:** RICHARD YOU AND MIKE ARE COUSINS

 **Literal Angel:** pretty sure we’re not

 **Beep Beep:** tbh i totally forgot mike and i were related

 **Hot Wheels:** dick, we’re LITERALLY identical

***

 **Fire Head:** not that i’m TOTALLY psyched that you’re in this chat, but like

 **Fire Head:** why

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** well we’re in Derry and needed some tour guides

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** richie knew a few

 **Bird Father:** Welcome to Derry.

 **Bird Father:** On your left you’ll see homophobia and racism, and on your right you’ll see a pedophile.

 **Bird Father:** This concludes our tour.

 **Minecraft Expert:** honestly that was pretty much everything

 **Literal Angel:** you could show them the quarry

 **Squilliam:** yeah we could all go swimming

 **Hot Wheels:** what you want us to fucking die

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** rude

 **Squilliam:** ???

 **Spaghetti:** in their town, jumping from the quarry would DEF kill you

 **Hot Wheels:** did it once, was pretty scary, 0/10 would not recommend

 **Minecraft Expert:** and you didn’t? die???

 **Hot Wheels:** no my friend with superpowers saved me when she levitated me back to the edge of the cliff, before beating up some kids with her superpowers

 **Bird Father:** Ok then, don’t tell us.

 **Beep Beep:** on a totally unrelated note, Christmas season is upon us

 **Bird Father:** And?

 **Beep Beep:** guess what my favorite christmas music genre is

 **Literal Angel:** rock and roll

 **Beep Beep:** no

 **Squilliam:** hyper religious

 **Beep Beep:** no

 **Squilliam:** you know, the one about the boy wanting to buy shoes for his dying mother?

 **Beep Beep:** what the fuck

 **Spaghetti:** can i guess

 **Beep Beep:** no i told you earlier

 **Spaghetti:** what if i told you i wasn’t listening when you said it

 **Beep Beep:** WOW

 **Minecraft Expert:** classics

 **Beep Beep:** ben, you beautiful bastard, you’re too genuine for this cruel world

 **Beep Beep:** OBVIOUSLY it’s the “women horny for santa clause” genre

 **Bird Father:** Thats a sub-genre AT BEST.

 **Beep Beep:** sorry, can’t hear you over Santa Baby

***

 **Bird Father:** That moment when you have choir after school until 6:30 but all you REALLY want to do is eat some goddamned food.

 **Beep Beep:** can relate

 **Beep Beep:** tech week is what i like to call “fasting period”

 **Hot Wheels:** stan is in the hit show Glee?

 **Bird Father:** Please.

 **Minecraft Expert:** i wanted to join Madrigals and wanted a friend too, but everyone else was too busy

 **Minecraft Expert:** now he loves it

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** that moment when you realize your school is too lame to do madrigals so you don’t actually know what it is

 **Fire Head:** it’s if Glee Club only sang songs from the renaissance era

 **Minecraft Expert:** we sing about shepherds and shit

 **Minecraft Expert:** it’s lit

 **Bird Father:** We also sing songs like “if All Star by Smash Mouth was written and sung for a 5 part harmony in the renaissance era”

 **Beep Beep:** i LOVE that

 **Hot Wheels:** i HATE that

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** hey guys i have a few questions

 **Fire Head:** what’s up

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** why is Mr. Keene allowed to run a business

 **Spaghetti:** why the HELL did you go to the pharmacy

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** i left my allergy medication back in Indiana

 **Hot Wheels:** babe i grabbed it for you

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** aww thanks babe

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** shoulda told me before i had a run in with the town pedophile

 **Fire Head:** HA

 **Bird Father:** Implying there’s only ONE pedophile.

 **Squilliam:** thats comedy gold

 **Literal Angel:** forget John Mulaney, Will Byers over here is the funniest motherfucker on the planet

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** fuck off

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** i’m still getting over the emotional trauma of an old man eye fucking me

 **Bird Father:** That is an every day mood here in Derry.

 **Beep Beep:** shouldnta come bro

 **Beep Beep:** i warned ya

 **Spaghetti:** he legitimately did though

 **Hot Wheels:** yeah when we were already like half way here

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** phat load of good your warning was

***

 **Squilliam:** HeLLO :):):):D

 **Beep Beep:** what’s crackalackin

 **Minecraft Expert:** Bill did you have a stroke

 **Hot Wheels:** my uncle had a stroke once

 **Minecraft Expert:** oh i’m sorry man

 **Hot Wheels:** its fine, he had the stroke and thought “why can’t i talk? eh, it’ll go away in a few days” and now he’s 40 and lives with his parents again

 **Minecraft Expert:** ...

 **Squilliam:** what’s a stroke

 **Spaghetti:** thats suspishy

 **Beep Beep:** im sorry, that was WHAT

 **Spaghetti:** oh and you can say “crackalackin” no problem?

 **Beep Beep:** “applesolutely”

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** i’m beginning to think IM having a stroke

 **Squilliam:** it’s me georgie

 **Fire Head:** AHHH

 **Beep Beep:** FUCK yes

 **Spaghetti:** watch your LANGUAGE fuckwad

 **Bird Father:** Sometimes I wish I lived in Alaska. Away from these two. Isolated. Alaska’s got some cool birds.

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** whos georgie

 **Squilliam:** me

 **Literal Angel:** georgie is the only reason any of us are friends with Bill

 **Fire Head:** Bill’s 8 year old brother

 **Hot Wheels:** imagine liking someone’s little sibling

 **Minecraft Expert:** said the boy who’s never met georgie

 **Hot Wheels:** you got me there

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** that’s totally fair

 **Squilliam:** who are you guys

 **Hot Wheels:** im richie’s cousin

 **Squilliam:** RICHEE!

 **Beep Beep:** im his favorite

 **Bird Father:** He prefers Rich over his literal brother.

 **Squilliam:** NO! Billy is my best best friend

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** my HEART

 **Fire Head:** somebody drop me in a box and light me on fire

 **Spaghetti:** ???

 **Minecraft Expert:** cremation

 **Fire Head:** i’m saying i’m DEAD

 **Fire Head:** from the absolute ADORABLENESS of Georgie

 **Literal Angel:** totally understandable

 **Literal Angel:** i plan to name my firstborn child after that kid

 **Beep Beep:** i would

 **Beep Beep:** but sadly my stepson already came with a name

 **Spaghetti:** i hate you

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** ???

 **Literal Angel:** because he married Eddie’s mom

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** im not following

 **Bird Father:** Eddie is Richie’s first born because Rich married Eddie’s mom

 **Bye(rs) Bitch:** alright i see

 **Spaghetti:** NO

 **Spaghetti:** HE IS NOT MY DAD

 **Fire Head:** do i need to make the vine reference we’re all thinking of?

 **Spaghetti:** fuck all of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally had this written like ONE day after I posted the last chapter, but forgot about it when I realized I couldn't post it yet because i had to bold the text


	10. Sexy Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Beep Beep:** WOW OK ITS ATTACK RICHIE HOUR
> 
> **Beep Beep:** dont you guys know? when a kid acts bad, you don’t blame the kid, you blame the parents
> 
> **Bye(rs) Bitch:** source?
> 
> **Beep Beep:** William Wonka
> 
> **Squilliam:** that checks out
> 
> **Spaghetti:** except that Maggie and Went are SAINTS and could never be at fault ever for anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well its been a while amirite guys  
> lol

**Beep Beep:** um

**Beep Beep:** just found out i have a gag reflex? not happy

**Bird Father:** Oh my god.

**Beep Beep:** if i can’t dry swallow my ADHD meds, then how am i supposed to take Big Dick?

**Squilliam:** richard i swear to god

**Fire Head:** you know what richie

**Beep Beep:** what

**Spaghetti:** no bev

**Fire Head:** what?

**Literal Angel:** you always egg him on

**Fire Head:** name ONE time i’ve done that

**Bird Father:** literally yesterday when he attempted to duct tape an orange to the wall outside the ice cream shop to prove “anyone can do it”

**Fire Head:** yeah but that was all him, i was not involved

**Squilliam:** you GAVE HIM THE TAPE

**Bird Father:** Oh as if you weren’t the one to provide the orange, Bill.

**Beep Beep:** he GOTCHU

**Spaghetti:** babe you’re essentially the defendant in court cheering on the prosecutor

**Beep Beep:** fuck you goatman

**Spaghetti:** i swear to god richie if you dance on my bridge

**Fire Head:** “no bev” “you always egg him on”

**Fire Head:** you know what this is?

**Bird Father:** What, Bev?

**Fire Head:** sexism.

**Beep Beep:** no i love women

**Beep Beep:** have you considered that it could be Heterophobia?

**Fire Head:** good point asshat

**Minecraft Expert:** Given the fact that i am the token hetero of the group chat

**Minecraft Expert:** this makes me sad

**Spaghetti:** honestly Ben you are the one valid straight person i know

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** what so john mulaney suddenly doesn’t matter to you anymore

**Squilliam:** are we SURE he was thinking about Leonard Bernstein when he went down on those rockin twinks? i think that was a ruse to please his father

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** you make an incredible point

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** i have to apologize. my gaydar has never functioned properly

**Beep Beep:** shame

**Spaghetti:** do you do the tragic “falling in love with a straight man because you think he’s gay”?

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** no, even more humiliating

**Hot Wheels:** he didn’t fuckin know i had a crush on him

**Hot Wheels:** BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS STRAIGHT

**Literal Angel:** HA

**Literal Angel:** Will even I knew when Bill had a crush on me

**Squilliam:** and i didn’t even KNOW it

**Squilliam:** mike figured it out before me

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** sorry i’m clueless i guess

***

**Hot Wheels:** will is an amazing artist

**Hot Wheels:** one time he drew me, and i literally thought he put a photo of me through a sketch filter

**Hot Wheels:** hes so great

**Fire Head:** as much as i’m a slut for loving your friends

**Fire Head:** this feels like the setup to a joke

**Minecraft Expert:** yeah especially because this whole chat is one big joke

**Squilliam:** WOW

**Bird Father:** Ben is not playing games. Just fucking destroying us huh.

**Fire Head:** wow ben

**Minecraft Expert:** NO I MEANT WE REALLY JUST USE THIS CHAT TO TELL JOKES AND MAKE EACH OTHER LAUGH

**Hot Wheels:** can i continue talking about my boyfriend please

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** yeah guys let him speak!

**Hot Wheels:** this story was leading up to me talking about his “sexy men” series

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** nevermind. who’s mike anyway? never heard of the guy

**Literal Angel:** aw :(

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** no i love you mike hanlon

**Literal Angel:** :) <3

**Beep Beep:** as a gay man i can understand the desire for a bunch of pictures of sexy men

**Hot Wheels:** you don’t understand rich

**Hot Wheels:** (picture of waluigi in fishnets, high heels, and a leather leotard)

**Beep Beep:** my previous statement remains

**Spaghetti:** id cheat on richie for sexy waluigi

**Hot Wheels:** i find it hard to believe you wouldn’t cheat on him for a mediocre plate of nachos

**Spaghetti:** touché

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** THERE ISNT ENOUGH CONTEXT

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** i drew sexy waluigi for a DARE

**Hot Wheels:** sure

**Hot Wheels:** the FIRST ONE was a dare

**Hot Wheels:** (another picture of sexy waluigi but this time he’s doing the classic waluigi pose in skin tight overalls and once again fishnet stockings)

**Hot Wheels:** will did this all on his own

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** STOP FUCKING EXPOSING ME

**Fire Head:** i’m feeling a little disappointed Will

**Fire Head:** you called this your “sexy men” series, implying the existence of men other than waluigi

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** i’m begging you mike, dont

**Literal Angel:** don’t what

**Hot Wheels:** (picture of the lorax in fishnet stockings dancing around a stripper pole that’s clearly a tree from the movie)

**Beep Beep:** BRO IM SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW

**Squilliam:** SPEAKING OF TURNS

**Squilliam:** i just saw the Turning

**Fire Head:** oh how was it?

**Squilliam:** fucking AWFUL

**Bird Father:** Oh really? It’s not like the reviews say it’s shit, and it has a lower score on Rotten Tomatoes than CATS.

**Squilliam:** shut the fuck up Stanley

**Spaghetti:** that kid in it kinda looks like richie tho

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** lol but that kid in it kinda looks like mike

**Bye(rs) Bitch: OH**

**Spaghetti:** OH WOW

**Hot Wheels:** no he DOESNT

**Beep Beep:** shut the fuck up nuh uh

**Fire Head:** bro he TOTALLY does

**Squilliam:** in the movie the kid that looks like richie or mike w calls an adult woman sexy in a genuine way

**Squilliam:** i saw it with my work friends and we HATED EVERY MOMENT OF IT

**Beep Beep:** i call eddie’s mom sexy in a genuine way ever day

**Spaghetti:** and i regret ever speaking to you in a genuine way every day

***

**Bird Father:** My mother took me driving on the road today.

**Beep Beep:** YeAH! you gonna start driving me around soon or what

**Bird Father:** Not you.

**Beep Beep:** rude

**Squilliam:** richie you literally threw up in my moms car

**Minecraft Expert:** and you dented the door of my dad’s car

**Literal Angel:** you’re a danger to mankind richard

**Hot Wheels:** didnt you fuck up Aunt Beatrice’s car too when you were like 7

**Beep Beep:** WOW OK ITS ATTACK RICHIE HOUR

**Beep Beep:** dont you guys know? when a kid acts bad, you don’t blame the kid, you blame the parents

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** source?

**Beep Beep:** William Wonka

**Squilliam:** that checks out

**Spaghetti:** except that Maggie and Went are SAINTS and could never be at fault ever for anything

**Beep Beep:** my mom almost caused us to die

**Fire Head:** tea?

**Beep Beep:** throwback to Freshman year

**Bird Father:** Wake me up when he’s done talking.

**Beep Beep:** i had never actually driven before except in a parking lot, and i didn’t go above like 9 mph then

**Spaghetti:** oh i remember you telling me about this

**Beep Beep:** then my mom was driving me home from drama and was like “do you have your permit with you” and i was like “yeah i do right now at 8 PM when it’s dark out and lightly raining”

**Beep Beep:** she made me drive around my neighborhood. i almost hit a dog. i got lost. it was raining. i blew a stop sign

**Beep Beep:** we coulda died all because of maggie’s bad decisions

**Hot Wheels:** id say i was about to be the devil’s advocate

**Hot Wheels:** but you’re the devil in this scenario

**Hot Wheels:** if you weren’t such a shitty driver you wouldn’t have almost killed a dog.

**Beep Beep:** if i wasn’t such a good driver i WOULD have killed the dog

**Squilliam:** why the fuck would you kill a god

**Spaghetti:** god you’re an awful person richie

**Fire Head:** i don’t know how i’m friends with a dog killer

***

**Beep Beep:** noah fence to my boy Benjamoon

**Minecraft Expert:** hate that

**Beep Beep:** but i could NEVER date a straight boy

**Fire Head:** considering the fact that you’re a gay man, you never could date a straight boy, you’re right

**Minecraft Expert:** yeah i don’t see how that’s offensive

**Fire Head:** would you happen to be speaking from the perspective of a bisexual girl who does have the opportunity to compare dating a woman to dating a straight boy?

**Beep Beep:** yeah i guess

**Beep Beep:** i suppose i’m just saying that i’m GLAD a straight boy would never date me

**Beep Beep:** well no

**Beep Beep:** i wish Ben would date me so hard

**Spaghetti:** same

**Spaghetti:** ben, you down for an orgy

**Squilliam:** eddie whAT

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** i havent known eddie for THAT long

**Hot Wheels:** i mean it’s been a solid year

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** but that seems entirely out of character

**Spaghetti:** what, richie can make orgy jokes but i cant?

**Bird Father:** I NEVER allowed Richie to make orgy jokes.

**Beep Beep:** and i always listen to whatever you tell me to do daddy

**Bird Father:** One more fucking joke like that and I’m blocking you

**Beep Beep:** who said it was a joke

**Spaghetti:** babe no don’t joke around with stan like that which may cause your death, you’re so sexy, ahaha

***

**Beep Beep:** yall hear about coronavirus

**Bird Father:** No. What? What is that? I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about. Please Elaborate Oh Wise One.

**Beep Beep:** you could have just said Yes

**Literal Angel:** i think the point of that was to really make sure you knew you’re a fucking moron

**Minecraft Expert:** i mean school was literally cancelled because of coronavirus

**Spaghetti:** lol rip to all those seniors amirite

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** i’m bummed because mike and i were going to prom and now we can’t

**Hot Wheels:** before you can even make the joke hanlon, he was talking about me

**Bird Father:** Sucks to suck.

**Beep Beep:** said the sophomore

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** anyway so that’s why mike and i are leaving

**Beep Beep:** what?

**Spaghetti:** YOU HAVENT LEFT ALREADY

**Hot Wheels:** you didn’t know?

**Spaghetti:** no because my mom has been keeping me quarantined at home since the beginning of march

**Hot Wheels:** but it wasn’t even a big issue back then

**Spaghetti:** believe me. i know.

**Hot Wheels:** anyway what Will meant to say was “that’s why Mike and I suddenly left and are currently 20 minutes away from Indiana”

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** ok so now that we’re on our way back

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** we’re over

**Beep Beep:** what!

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** this is done

**Bye(rs) Bitch:** it’s not me, it’s all of you guys

**Fire Head:** wow r00d

_Bye(rs) Bitch removed Hot Wheels from the chat_

_Bye(rs) Bitch left the chat_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo guys got any requests for anything or whatever? comment broskis!

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to have more parts maybe, but I can guarantee it won't have a plot
> 
> Send me prompts and requests to my Tumblr @llama-raptor-russian-bean


End file.
